A Final Farewell Letter

Hi again. I hope this would be the last, for your sake and for my own. May we find our own peace, here or there. 

We share a lot of things in common. Physically, for example, mom would always be reminded of you when she saw my back. That way, even though sometimes I got the urge to wear your clothes, I should hold back to be considerate. Also, I look totally like a female version of you, wipe that mustache from your face, and voila you are me. 

I am a whiny inside, but the exterior, at least, we used the same unfazed look. Maybe because you and I were both raised by your parents who kept telling us to store our shame and sufferings to ourselves. You are a strong cliff, tall, high, and unbothered by the storm. You never say it hurts. Instead, you said 'my muscles are just tired'. You were like that even until your last day on earth. I don't get it. Why can't you just say that it hurts if it was killing you?

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I remember when we were on our trip back from out of town, we had an accident. I was just around 4 at that time, but I remember it all clearly. The car flipped dramatically, our family trapped inside the car. Your leg was injured, but you stood straight right away and tried to get all of us out of the car. I was crying out loud, but I remember you smiled despite all. You put me on the side of the road before going back again towards the car that was about to explode, trying to rescue your in-laws. Of course later when the ambulance got you all into the hospital, you lost me for a while because, let's face it, you and I are just forgetful like that sometimes. However, I really didn't get you at all. What did you feel that day? Scared? Anxious? Hysterical? You smile as though it was all ok. I admit you are a pro in this, even until your last day.

Also when mom was in the hospital because she was pregnant with my brother, it was just you and me home, I didn't really remember where my sisters were. We watched TV that night, and you ate all the leftover snacks even though they had started to smell rotten. 

    "Yuck, it IS rotten already"

But you kept on chewing and warn me not to get any of those. Or once when mom was still struggling with med school, sometimes she couldn't cook anything for us. You decided to fry some fish for our lunch, but you forgot that you put the stoves on and you slept. Fortunately, that accident only ended with charcoal burnt-fishes and not unintended arson. Poor fishes.

I saw you lost your composure a couple of times. One was when you showed others that you were in a rage. It was a busy morning, a usual traffic jam, when some reckless bike sped up and almost tumbled ours down. You raced and stopped him. Slammed your helmet and there for the first and last time in my life, I saw you cursed. To a random person on the street. 

    "DON'T YOU HAVE EYES TO SEE THAT THERE IS A KID ON BOARD? GOBLOK!"

There you roared. I was also shocked. You forbid me for saying the G-word, and I had never heard you say it before. But then you came back to me again with your usual smile asking, 'are you ok?' Well, I am perfectly fine. But were you?

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Also, there was that other time when you found out that I was dating my schoolmate. You stopped the car on our way home and started interrogating me in a raised voice.

    "WHO IS HE? HOW DARE HE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM? DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU OFF MARRYING HIM OR WHAT? SPEAK!"

I was so shaken that I couldn't speak. Even though I was 13, and definitely didn't want to marry. Even though I did nothing and never even held hands with him. Even though you almost always forgot to pick me up, from then on you practically picked me up in front of my class, not just waiting at the front of my school. That was truly embarrassing for a middle school teen. 

I remember our last meal together at the hotel breakfast buffet, you tried to ask me softly about my worries but I still couldn't even let out a sound to answer that. I am sorry, I was too deep in feeling like a total failure that I couldn't share my burden at that time. When we continued our attempt to have a quality talk after breakfast, you eyed my leftover ekado repeatedly. So I let you have them all.

I don't get it. Why can't you just say that you want it? It's ok for you to have what you want, you know.

I hate when people mention how smart you always were, how responsible you always were, how dependable you always were, how impactful and influential you always were. Because I can never live up to that high of a standard. I cheated my way up during my first year of middle school, just so that I can have that top three place you always had during your school year. I am sorry, even though you were so proud that time. My first top-three place was just a fake. I was also kinda not interested in my academic activity during my elementary until I finished middle school, so much that sometimes I didn't even try. I remembered when I was in second grade, you looked at my math exam which scored 0, and I saw that disappointed face you make. I am sorry, can't help it I just love playing with my friends and participating in extracurricular activities more than studying. 

I like waiting in your lab office, taking my time playing solitaire on your lab's computer while sipping coffee. I was once too immersed playing in the lake of your uni that I lost my way back to your office. I practically cried out loud, but your student got me back to your office. I also like your lecturer colleagues, they were all interesting and funny. I also like seeing you with them, I don't know why but you were practically roaring with laughter every time you were with them ( I never get what was so funny, but I laughed along anyway). You don't laugh like that at home. But I didn't like seeing you on your lecture. I always kinda pitied your students. You never gave an easy A, in fact, during your time as a lecturer, there was only one student who scored C+. That was the highest score you ever gave a student. I wonder how he is doing now lol. But what do I know? I was just a kid back then. After all, those same students whom you generously shower with red marks always came to our house bringing gifts after they graduated. I hope I had the same understandings as your students that your hard way of teaching ensured the best outcome. That way, I wouldn't run off when you tried to teach me math or physics. 

When I was in eighth grade, thanks to the fake top place I got during my previous year, I was pit together with all the smart kids of my batch. It was hell. Lol. What the heck did I just get myself into. Never have I ever seen so many kids who were SO into studying placed in the same room. So many hands raised every time a question asked. It was truly a nightmare. But I managed to stay afloat, being in the middle, so that I was not placed at the bottom of the hell itself. Stayed there for two years. However, it did come with a perk. Some foreign embassy was feeling generous and had picked my school to show that they were charitable. The school picked my class, and basically decided the deserving ones through checking who always paid the school tuition late. Our family was sorta struggling a little too hard back then, so we never paid tuition on time. Me and a friend got picked. I was excited even though they basically branded me as that poor smart kid. Smart, yeah kinda, but poor. Anyway, I had already picture that I wouldn't have to be the last one to pay the school fee again. I wouldn't be reminded to please finish the payment immediately again by my homeroom teacher during the morning announcement. But of course, you just had to decline, "tell them no, we are perfectly capable". God, how I wanted so badly to refute you with "but..".

I know better though if I started saying 'but', I would have an argument with tears rolling deliberately down my cheeks. You and your pride, sometimes, seriously. So I went to school the next day and turned down the offer. 

When I enter high school, you made me enter a remote school far away from civilization. Even though I got a good score, and I totally could score one of those prestigious schools here, in my hometown. I hated you for putting me in that middle of the jungle (it was a quite literal jungle) lol. I suspected that it was because of me seeing that boy, wasn't it? You went that far to ensure that I was as far away as possible from that boy or any other boy in general, didn't you? I bet you didn't think that that means you would be at a faraway distance from me, too. I remembered before you left me at that school, you caught me trying my best to hold back my tears. So hard that I made weird faces. So you gave me cash, lol. 50000.

    "Don't cry, here I give you pocket money. Don't tell your mom or your sisters."

Then starting through there we only met twice a year, during new year breaks and idul fitri breaks, when I could go back home. 

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Simultaneously, we both did great for ourselves. Your dean basically forced you to hand in a premature resignation letter once he found out about your political extracurricular activities. You had already been elected anyway when he found out, and you could finally start focusing on your dream job. Helping a lot more people without worrying about branching your focus with your students. You became more and more scarce. When we were on call, you gave the phone to mom. Aside from the physical distance itself that had turned everything between us awkward, but also because you were SUPER busy. But maybe that's the reason even though I was in the middle of the jungle, people actually heard your name and praised you here.

Personal

Things went considerably well too for me, I used my hatred for this school as fuel to excel in every school aspect. Finally, math and science magically made sense to me during high school. Eventually, we came to the end of my high school year. I was recruited to be a part of your inner circle because I perform my high school with flying colors. I thought now this is my chance to finally make you see me, I accepted the offer without thinking things over. I chose the most prestigious uni I could think of. Now can you see me? Am I trusted enough now? Have I caught up to you yet? Those were my core motivation for joining your inner circle. No noble cause like yours, no honorable will to help and do everything in the best interest of others. I just wanted to be seen. I just wanted you to see me.

But that too went south quickly and horribly. I know that you always used to motivate me by saying,

    "You can do anything if you set your mind to it because humans are multidimensional creatures."

But there, at that point, I finally understood that there is a limit to the multidimensionality of humans. There is a limit to how hard a human can try, and that lies within the will and drive. I didn't have them. I didn't have your selfless-ness, I didn't have your attention for others or the state of the world. I understand finally an important principle: that you don't step up or take on a role if you don't have the belief. If you don't have it in your heart to exchange yourself with acts of foster, tending, and protecting. I just didn't have the superhero heart you got. 

The gaping hole you left is humongous, to say the least. People you saved often came to visit and brought gifts, they still talked about how smart, responsible, dependable, influential, and impactful you were. But worry not, I am trying my best to take on the empty space you left. We worked together a little better every day, my spoiled sisters and brother. I don't know whether I could ever fill your shoes, probably never. After all, I am me and you are you. But I know I am getting there. I finished my study, finally got that degree. I have people who support me, and I have a person who stays with me. Too bad, I couldn't introduce you to him and watch you eat him alive. Lol. 

So rest easy, see you again on the other side. Everyone misses you every day, but we will manage just fine. I guess.